Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. Its finally over. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. Its not there. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. Yeah, right. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. He didnt even know them before. Ill definitely remember that. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Block this idiot. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Are you two still together or have you broken up? Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. Its been 2 weeks and Ive not responded. Unsubscribe at any time. This is yet another occurrence where you put something into words that I havent seen anywhere before. He disrespects women! Hes playing with your heart. He does not mean you well. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? Finally opening up about a topic that has hurt you on an ongoing basis can be emotionally draining. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. Ciembithat truly sucks. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. Its fire, not the moon! This msg came right on time, yesterday church sermon was based on managing relationships in general and the pastor challenged the entire congregation to reach out and correct a relationship my mind went to my ex now let me say he was up front about his incertitude and I should have ended it but I have learnt from this situation. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. I was a sobbing messat workbecause she left the message at 9:00 a.m. on a work dayknowing I would listen to the message at work. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Maybe not forever, but for a season. So you do. And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long). I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. Or immature? Lisa. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. NC is your most powerful action. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. Please trust yourself. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Maeve, thank you. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. I dont want to be around YOU. Ill let you know how it goes. He said so. They can seem like two different states of mind. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. I did not respond. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn't Need To Cheat (or Be 2005-2023 BAGGAGE RECLAIM. Believe them. Review/update the I did not acknowledge it. Listen to it. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. It's a wound that's barely healed. You made the right decision. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. Grudges are a form of punishment. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. But, same thing happens, again and again. When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It does get better with NC, really it does. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . LOL. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. Better late than never! And I dont think that my post said differently. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. Good for you Noquay. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. Were always so ready to call/txt the ex when we hear that word. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. My friends husband just asked me out! You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. Precisely! It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. So I couldnt. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Let him live with that. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. The flow on from that was years of self inflicted low self esteem because, although part of me could see how silly and unintelligent the people I went to school with were (are! Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. Appreciate you writing this. Not ringing or checking on his son all week is busting my boundries but I wont tell him how awful I think this is, because they wont and dont see anything but themselves. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. Should I break the no contact? Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Its like my old AC all over again. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. You think. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. I dont like to be around you. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Please be more discriminating in the future. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. You will not get it. Perfect explanation Sparkle! What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? Grudges are a form of punishment. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. . This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. This is drama and will go nowhere! Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Hes an ass. No more contact. Beautiful, Sparkle! Not the past. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. . Unsubscribe at any time. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Friend Zone at best with this guy. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another?