Here are some "habits" people have after growing up with a narcissistic parent: 1. Type in your name, wait 107 seconds, brace yourself. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. Staying calm and in control of my emotions. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. And heal and grow. You need to write a clear account of his behaviour that is concerning you from the perspective of him as a patient. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. Not to forget he announced that he wont adjust my status and will get me deported if I do not finally come around! My first calls to the police did not go well either until a policeman I met taught me about how to deal with the police if you want them on side. I gave him a choice he choose wrong and he is definitely suffering the consequences. Granted, I cant honestly say I could have done anything differently because by the time I did that, I had nothing left from years of dealing with his disorders. Have much to learn! Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. . He does have a good side, but I am beginning to wonder which is the real him. Setting boundaries is one thing but if he is not attached to you yet it probably wont work. Others think he is wonderful. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. Only within the last couple of years did I start studying manipulation techniques for something unrelated. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. 4 Deny them what they want. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. If I had to write about everything that I had to endure at the hands of the woman I love so much it would take a long time. Remember if they do it once its happen again! Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. I feel persecuted and I dont know how to cope. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. I definitely felt stronger and more in control of my own feelings and responses to the verbal and emotional abuses. I will be back in a few minutes to read this blog. To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. Can we now part?! Then if your warning has no effect, step out of the way and let life teach them the lesson they have coming. His entire lifes circumstance from living with his mother in the islands to now living with his father in NZ is everyone elses fault due to their crazy/controlling/manipulative behaviour and his unlucky breaks due to.insert martyr action of his here. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. Absolute hell. I think the main thing is to BELIEVE and KNOW that you are not to blame for his bad moods and temper, whatever he says. The truth is, narcissists lack accountability because they get away with it. Man, I dont know how anyone believes they can make a mistake and refuses to own it like my friend thinks. One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. I know separating would be devastating for him, I believe him to be a vulnerable person without support. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. Right now we are working on trust, and honesty to build that trust. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. Oh my gosh I can relate to Joan. He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. Ive heared my whole life that she is so wonderful. This time I was able to enjoy myself, keep busy and not think too much about why, I finally understand it isnt me, I understand his narcissism, after immersing myself for past 10 years, it still hurts though, I hope someday, the hurt will go away. I was devastated, but I was willing to work. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. You are impressed and begin focusing your attention on them. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? This has been my experience of Narcissists. Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. I have tried many times for the sake of my children. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. Still in shock over a year later. I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. I can be just who I plan to be. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. Absolutely! Thanks Kim. I can only make choices for my self. My eldest is 15 and is still watched getting on and off the school bus!! Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. Thank you Kim. So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. Kims suggestion. Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. I also bought the codependency book. Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. He got nicer a week or so. I have set up a separate account for our bills, what do you think we can do" (this to a spendthrift partner) You Never Beat The Narcissist But once you go there you have lost haven't you? Everyone loves him.minus his employees. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. But with your advice in my mind, I already managed to stop discussions without threatening to leave him. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Whenever we are growing closer, he will try and start a fight about nothing, just to give himself permission to get away and blaming me for it. I know I will have bad days but again I have hope and I will continue to learn from your experience. Being a mom and knowing how much she had been through and not seeing you, I told you that was wrong and that I would buy her something. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. They may act and feel grandiose and. I couldnt live the lie and we divorced. If my friend thought he didnt need me, he would be gone as fast I could get my next breath out. Hi. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. He knew it would be very hard for me to obtain a job in Germany. I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. I know there is a grieving process. You were lucky. This makes me feel degraded. It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. Ahhh! Maybe growing would be a better way to describe it rather than changing but the truth is that a person cannot start growing again until their false pride comes down. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. I pray for him and work with him now As much as I can and as lovingly as I can. He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much Thats how they have consequences. Later that day he comes home and tells me what a nice lady she is and he had a good conversation with herwait a minuteshe called him while he was busy at work, misinformed him saying it bounced, he gets all snappy with me and he calls her back all nice with an answer that I providedI feel like he is always the good guy with everyone else, never wants to look bad in front of anyone and yet I know the real him. Pride kills humility. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. He also tries to provoke me often telling me with a smile his best moments of the day were when he had been with one of his favorite female colleagues. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. lets talk about his controlling ability. He is like a King on a throne with many wives. I cant continue this with the emotional scares he is dragging my daughter through as he plays daddy for the last four years then suddenly heads for the hills to go MIA without an explanation. And even hope disappears into the sea blindness. The call the police one didnt work for me. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. If you are trying to hold people accountable for what has happened in the past I would suggest thatinstead you make the decision to forget it. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Thank you again for your courageous letter. Trying to be honest? Right or wrong, I had to write this, of you each decide for themselves. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. He rejects Jesus and has become like a god himself with supporters who validate him. I respect peoples choice to try to fix it, but more so i truelly feel you will be further dissapointed and utterly devestated dealing with these idiotic individuals. All of the blaming, name-calling, lying, deflecting, financial abuse is worse. I will do both. I didnt realize how much the years of her abuse and alcoholism has impacted my ability to be successful in my work and just being a healthy person. they must be CAPABLE of honouring, respecting, cherishing, loving, being loyal, protective and mature etc.. I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept that the person we love is just not capable of loving. That is a hard task I know and only really happened with Steve once basically he was cornered. ThaNK YOU. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. I dont want to get you in trouble, it just scares me and I dont know what else to do.. Hope that the blindness of narcissism, the torment it brought to our marriage, and the happiness it stole, will somehow heal itself, like a cut on a finger. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. Thank GOD I didnt marry himhe had said he would probably never marry me anywayand more and more, Ive discovered that he did me a huge favor that way. Hi Michelle, I cannot urge you strongly enough to purchase Back From the Looking Glass. As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to stay balanced in this relationship and understand its worth. I like your advice about just ignoring the behavior. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. I have purchased all the books here and recommend them highly. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or . I thought at first that he was as frightened as I was, but now I feel he is angry I lived. I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. My partner realized the change. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. This is soo much information but I cannot wait to make some changes. Over, done. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. Its not easy, but that is how the trust grows. he of course was perfect and still is. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Avoid challenging a narcissist's opinion or point of view. . I dont know what else to do. He was very serious about making the change. Problem is, long story short, he cannot apologise for any of the above and keeps pulling out old lines when I ask for support.along the lines of you wanted to have a baby, you deal with it. He is a disbarred attorney who signed an amicable divorce decree but of course, has refused to pay a penny and has left us in a mess. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is.